


After Heaven

by Quiet_crash



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s05e16 Dark Side of the Moon, Gen, Torture, but no actual suicidal tendencies, possible trigger warning, talking about suicide, voicemail fix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-28
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-01-21 04:09:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1536977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quiet_crash/pseuds/Quiet_crash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's kidnapped by demons. Dean doesn't react as expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't really know. I'm in a crappy mood and this just *poof* appeared. Hope you like it. :)

“... and when he finds your ass in here we will kill him. Lucifer has forbidden us from harming you, at least not to a lethal point, but Dean is fair game. He will be dead as soon as he steps through these doors.” the leader demon said.

Sam laughed and that earned him a punch to the face but this was seriously too much.

“What's so funny, Winchester? You would think that your brother coming here and getting killed because of you would rather make him all growly and pissy and instead he's sitting here, laughing his head off. Maybe he's finally gone insane?” she said to the other demons, stroking Sam's face in a mock caress.

He didn't even care. They could do anything they wanted to him, he would still be brought back by Lucifer.

“Well, Sammy, do share with the class, what is so funny in your situation?” the question came again, this time delivered with a kick to his abdomen. He tasted the metallic tang of blood in his mouth. Still he decided to answer.

“This is just so damn precious.” Sam wheezed because his stomach hurt, his ribs hurt, everything hurt and he didn't give a fuck. “You went through all the trouble of kidnapping me, beating me up and setting me here for him to find and he's not gonna even start looking!” He couldn't help it. Laughing, or choking trying to laugh, aggravated whatever his injuries were but it was too funny.

The demons looked at him like he'd lost his mind. Maybe he really did. But he knew he was right. He may have been wrong about many things, about everything, but this he was sure of. Dean wouldn't come. Not after their little trek through Heaven. Not after what he'd done after.

“Maybe we really knocked him too hard, Emily.” one of the demons suggested uncertainly. Emily-the-leader scoffed but didn't say anything. They just sat in silence, occasionally broken by Sam's quiet snorts of laughter. He was getting lightheaded and his head was filled with fuzz. He wondered how long would they have to wait for them to realize he's just spoken the truth.

A week went by and the demons were getting really antsy. If he had the strength he'd probably feel smug. He'd been right about Dean. But now he was just too tired and in too much pain to really care about that. Or about anything.

To pass the time the demons also started trying to persuade him to say yes to Lucifer. Like his nightly visits weren't enough. Though lately he hadn't seen much of the fallen archangel. Maybe because he wasn't sleeping as much as falling unconscious when his body just couldn't take anymore.

They gave him little to no food. A couple of sips of stale water a day. His whole torso hurt. His head hung low on his chest simply because he had no energy to keep it up anymore. His wrists were burned from the rope they used, his broken arm pulsing steadily together with his head.

It's been a week and a half before Dean showed up with Castiel and Bobby in tow. The demons were quickly exterminated. At first Sam though it was another hallucination brought on by dehydration and lack of food. He made himself rise his head to look around curiously anyway, hell, maybe it would be his last chance to see Dean before he died and Lucifer used his mojo to bring him right back. It still felt important.

He could barely make out the three familiar figures swimming in his vision with rivers of red everywhere, the sounds of a fight muted in his ears.

He smiled.

Then there were hands on his face, on is shoulders, shaking him. It didn't even hurt anymore.

The blackness rose and he let himself drown.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this wasn't really supposed to be more than a oneshot but...

“I bet he didn't even fight that much” Dean muttered.

Sam wasn't back from the trip to the library through the whole night. Come morning, when Bobby persuaded Dean that Sam was not the type to go out for the whole night without telling anyone, they tracked his phone to an alley behind the local bar where they also found the fruits of Sam's work in paper and his computer in that godawful leather bag.

And traces of sulfur. It had Dean on edge right away. He didn't want to say he had suspected that but he kind of had. He always expected the worst now. Sam was out somewhere with a bunch of demons.

Except the phone was cracked and there were smears of blood on the screen.

Dean's anger was his defense mechanism.

“Oh yeah?” Bobby has had enough. “Because you would sure do better taking on a couple'a demons barehanded. You had the knife and he hasn't drunk any of that crap since Famine and you know that. How did you expect him to get out of this?” he says sharply and Dean recoils.

“Who the fuck knows what he does anymore? I don't know if he drunk it or not and I don't care. He's gotten his ass kidnapped and now we'll have to go find and rescue him and probably stick him back in the panic room too. After all he's surrounded by demons.” he says and turns to walk away.

“Dean.” Bobby stops him but the younger hunter doesn't turn. “I don't know what happened in Heaven but whatever it was you act like Sam's not your brother anymore. You shouldn't believe what you've seen there. It's the angels' domain, you know that.”

“Oh, so I should ignore that every memory Sam had there was of a time he was away from his family and say everything's just fine and dandy? Because it's not. I don't even recognize the guy that sits next to me in the car. I don't recognize him since I came back from Hell and he was gulping down demon blood and sleeping with that bitch Ruby. And that was all before he started the Apocalypse!”

“It's not all his fault, you know, boy? I hate to remind you that you were the one who broke the first seal and he's been coerced into breaking the last one as much as you had been.” Bobby said coldly. This was not the kid he knew, that fussed over ever scratch his younger brother had and tucked him in for the night. This man was angry and full of resentment towards Sam which was unfair seeing as both boys made their mistakes and the old hunter had never seen anybody working so hard for his redemption as Sam Winchester worked.

Dean stiffened and threw Bobby a glare before stalking away to his room.

/txtbreak/

In the end it was a group effort. Bobby and Dean found a bunch of places that fitted into their theory and Castiel went to look them up. As soon as he found the one they were looking for he came back and they all took the Impala. It wasn't very far and they would need all the weapons they could get.

Dean was still angry. He preferred being angry over being scared for Sam anyway. The kid was like a stranger and he didn't like that feeling, didn't want to think that about his little brother, ever, but that's just how they fucked up. Their supposedly unbreakable bond of love or some other crap didn't survive all the lies, hurt and pride both Winchesters harbored.

He was angry up to the point they entered.

Bobby was worried. Dean could tell. The old hunter was like a second father to them both. It must've hurt, watching them tear each other apart. That seemed to be all they were doing nowadays. Day after day and instead of getting better it all just went further down between him and Sam. It was spiraling out of control.

Dean was surprised at Cas' dedication though. When he'd first met Sam the angel had called him an abomination, straightforward and from the get go. It seemed his opinion of Dean's little brother had been changing over the time but Castiel got really invested in finding Sam this time. Only to keep him from saying yes to Lucifer? Perhaps. But it seemed more than that. After they came back from their little stroll through Heaven and Castiel lost all his faith in God the angel was broken and lost. All his world turned upside down.

Dean had only came into a room only to find Sam talking to Cas on the phone, comforting him. Dean had scoffed and ignored him, always the touchy-feely and talkative unless it comes to the real important stuff, right, Sam? but it seemed to have helped.

The demons didn't stand a chance. Once all Dean, Bobby and Castiel went feral and pulled out all the stops at the mere sight of Sam it took them less than ten minutes to have the place cleared.

Half of that time Sam dedicated to trying to even lift his head. His gaze was unfocused and glassy but he seemed to recognize the people that came for him. Some strange expression appeared on his beaten face but it disappeared as soon as it got there so it was possible Dean just imagined it.

He had more pressing matters on hand, like getting Sam to the nearest hospital ASAP. Castiel looked frustrated at himself that he didn't have enough mojo to heal the kid but between all three of them they managed to get Sam into the Impala without too much trouble.

Bobby drove. Cas got shotgun.

Dean suffered through lack of space in the backseat but he stayed with Sam.

The youngest Winchester would've been so happy to see that he still may have a chance with his brother. Too bad he was unconscious for the whole ride. And then they finally reached the hospital and Sam was wheeled away on a gurney, a flurry of movement around him, leaving behind his whole family feeling like the ground slipped from underneath their feet.

And all they could do was wait.

/txtbreak/

Sam had seven broken bones. His left ulna, his cheekbone, two fingers of his right hand and three ribs. His wrists were badly burned and cut from the steel cables the demons used to tie him up. He also had some knife wounds, not very deep or threatening but they bled left without a proper care and one cut got infected. His whole body was bruised, especially the abdominal area. The doctors were concerned about Sam's internal organs from the second they saw how rigid that area was. Then Sam started coughing up blood. It turned out he had a contused lung, courtesy of some well-placed kicks.

That all coupled with how malnourished he was and they were very concerned. Then it turned out that the necrotic fragment of the lung had to be surgically removed and when Dean, Bobby and Castiel were finally allowed to see him on the ICU Sam had the ventilator breathing for him and he had to be transfused with blood. The antibiotics were fighting his infection via another intravenous and his bed was surrounded by beeping and bliping machines constantly checking his vitals.

Dean had frowned in concern when he had first saw his brother's battered body slumped in that chair but he had had more pressing matters on hand at that moment. He had gotten worried when Sam, barely keeping his head upright, blinked owlishly trying to decipher what was going on in front of him. He got panicky when, after they were done with all the demons, he went to Sam and shook him by his shoulders, to what his little brother reacted by promptly passing out. That was when Dean had gotten his first good look at the kid and it wasn't pretty.

Covered in bruises and blood, some leaking from his parted lips as he fought for every shallow breath he apparently lacked.

The barren room the demons had kept Sam in was chilly and it stank with blood, sweat and damp mold. There was nothing there except some suspicious stains, on the floor especially. Sam had spent a week and a half in there, surrounded bu demons, taunted and tortured.

Obviously no demon blood had been ingested, that was about the only thing good about the whole mess. Dean knew because, as Bobby pointed out, if they had given Sam any he'd have broken free. Instead the kid was half starved and dehydrated to hell. A week wasn't enough for a man of his posture to loose much of his muscle tone but he did look thinner and completely exhausted.

And surprised.

He didn't think you'd come. Had been the last words of the leader of the demons. She gasped them out smirking moments before Castiel took her out but Dean still heard her. At first he had thought she'd lied. Demons lie. But the more he thought about it, about Sam's face at the sight of them and at their relationship before his kidnapping and it occurred to Dean that maybe this time she didn't have to lie.

The truth sufficed to drive a spike of pain through his heart just fine.


	3. Chapter 3

The first time Sam woke was three days after his surgery. As soon as he became aware of something stuck into his throat he panicked. His eyes widened and the heart monitor beside his bed started picking up the pace. His weak hands scrabbled clumsily to get rid of the plastic obtrusion.

It took Dean longer than he wanted to admit to calm his baby brother down but even if his influence on Sam grew weaker it hasn't disappeared completely and finally Sam did settle down, stopped struggling and just looked up at Dean with his big, soulful, teary eyes.

Dean took his hand and squeezed it reassuringly and Sam's eyes slipped back closed before the doctor came to check on him.

The second time happened the next day and they were able to take the tube out of his throat and Sam winced at the pain in his throat afterwards, crunching gratefully at the ice chips his nurse brought.

Dean was just glad to see the offending thing go. His huge brother looked fragile enough without it, in this bed.

Sam fell asleep again soon after, still wiped out but at least not dying anymore.

The third time was the charm, as they say.

Bobby was gone to get some sleep. They both spent the majority of their time right there, in Sam's room on the ICU ward, from which he would be, hopefully, transferred soon to a regular one. Bobby came in sometime during the afternoon hours but he slept in the motel room they had rented.

Dean stayed mostly at the hospital. He did sometimes go out to bring food or take a shower and change his clothes but most of the time no force could make him leave the wretched plastic chair in Sam's room. He ate there, slept there, worked there and most importantly thought, mostly about Sam and their relationship, while the steady beeping soothed his nerves. Usually Dean tried not to ponder on those things but Sam in a hospital bed always had that effect on him - it brought his inner girl to the surface as he fretted about every damn piece of equipment Sammy was hooked to.

Sam woke up sometime around 7am, before Bobby came. Dean was dozing in his chair when he heard a grunt and rustling of covers. He was right beside Sam in the same second.

Sam opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was a familiar face staring down at him. He jerked, startled, and hurried to put some distance between himself and the apparition because there were two explanation as to why he was seeing Dean. One was that his brother was here and the second – that it was Lucifer in disguise.

Sam went with the second one. His heart picked up pace as he struggled to get away from the fallen archangel. Before he could get far he felt searing pain shooting through his chest. He gasped, his face twisting in agony, but still he refused to give up, he wouldn't, he couldn't-!

Dean's heart twisted painfully when Sam realized who he was and began to frantically try and escape him with no regard whatsoever to his own well-being. The heart monitor began beeping like crazy and he realized that Sam was afraid of him. He wished he could just go away and not have to go through this because this, this was torture. But he had a responsibility to fulfill, he was a big brother (and he's been shirking his duties for too long now; no matter what Sam did or didn't do he was family, he was the center of Dean's damned world 'cause nothing mattered without him, even if it was only Dean that felt that way), so he steeled his emotions and reached to catch Sam's flailing limbs and pin them to the bed, taking care to not press to hard on the left hand.

The younger Winchester put up a fight but in the end he was just too tired and weak to really be a challenge. Finally his body slumped but his aching muscles remained tense and his chest still rattled with every shallow breath.

"Sammy-" Dean started but Sam interrupted him with

"Don't you dare." he hissed with fury and the older Winchester flinched. "Only Dean gets to call me that!"

Dean let go at once, brows furrowed in confusion.  _What?_

" _What?"_  he said aloud. "What the hell are you talking about, Sam? It's me."

"No," Sam panted with a defiant look on his face. "No, I won't fall for this! I won't ever say yes to you, you- son'fabitch, no matter who you pretend to be!"

Dean recoiled, understanding making his eyes sting and heart ache, even as worry swept through him at Sam's wheezing. The worry won out; he needed to calm Sam down before he hurt himself more. "Easy, Sam, I'm not Lucifer, okay?" he placated. "You're not asleep right now, you're in a hospital and you're sick as a dog! Try not to make yourself pass out, they just got the tube out of your throat and your lung's still healing."

Sam blinked, breathing heavily. That… somehow didn't seem to be a thing Lucifer would say. It seemed more like something Dean would say - a couple years ago. Last time he'd seen his big brother Dean hadn't seemed inclined to show worry for Sam. Confusion swept through the young hunter as he slowly calmed down; the low hum of Dean's reassuring voice always had that effect on him.

"Dean?" he asked tentatively.

"Yeah, Sam, it's me. You okay?"

Again with the concern. "Yeah, m'fine." Sam said distractedly, staring at his brother's face.

"Bullshit. You're way too pale to be okay. Your lungs don't hurt? Cheekbone?" Dean pressed.

"Uh… kinda? But…" Sam's face scrunched as he tried to remember what's happened to him while the demons had him. "They didn't break my ribs or anything. Why're my lungs hurtin'?"

"They did, actually. Three on the right side. They didn't pierce anything but your lung was contused, got necrotic, had to be removed." Dean explained, his hands automatically curving into fists as he thought of what had been done to Sam; what he almost left Sam to suffer until… maybe even death. And the fact that Sam didn't even know his ribs were broken, like it didn't even  _register_...

"What, my whole lung?!" Sam exclaimed in horror, wincing.

"No! No, just a fragment. And stop screaming, you're not doing your face  _or_  that lung any favors. A fractured cheekbone, before you ask."

"Huh…" Sam took it all in. "Anything else?" he asked after a while.

Dean recounted all the injuries Sam had sustained during his time in capture. An uncomfortable silence reigned afterwards as Sam processed what Dean told him and Dean looked at his brother, taking in his haggard face again and feeling guilty.

"This sucks." Sam said finally. "I'll be useless for months, we don't have time for that."

"Well there's no way around that, you gotta recover." Dean said firmly. Sam looked at him askance.

"What if there was?" he said quietly. "Lucifer told me he'd bring me back if I tried to kill myself to leave him wakened without his true vessel. He did. I'm sure he could do it again if he had to."

Dean's jaw hit the floor. "Whoa, back up! What do you mean he did! You tried to-? Tell me you didn't, Sam." he pleaded desperately. Suddenly the fear from before Sam woke came right back, choking him.

Sam waved his unbroken hand dismissively. "I had to try in case he was bluffing and I could help fixing this mess that I made. It didn't stick anyway so nothing to talk about. Except now we could maybe make it work in our favor." he said pensively and Dean's heart splintered painfully.

He thought he was feeling awfully guilty for leaving his brother alone with a horde of demons to get tortured? This was so much worse. Apparently his little brother had wanted to give them an edge over the Devil and tried to off himself to atone. Dean got atonement but there were so many better ways to do that, especially since, as far as he knew, Sam didn't really  _want_  to die. And now, this cold calculation, it was almost too much for Dean to bear. Where was that hopeful little brother he remembered? How did it happen that he turned into this man, who would throw his life away in a heartbeat if he thought it would help someone. If he thought it would help  _Dean_.

Through Dean's silence Sam went on musing. "I could try morphine, they have it lots in here."

"You could shut up, Sam. You won't be trying anything." Dean tried for stern but his voice came out wavering and he didn't even care. Anything to get Sam to stop thinking of killing himself.

"Why?" Sam challenged, eyes narrowing. "We really don't have time for me to get back to functional the normal way and he's given me the perfect solution on a silver platter!"

"Yeah, no. What if he doesn't bring you back?" Dean tried, desperately looking for a way to stop this mad idea before Sam took it too far.

"He will-"

"What if he doesn't do it right away? If he lets you stay dead for a while, what then? What is something happens? No way, you're not doing this." The words  _killing_   _yourself_  wouldn't get through his throat.

"What ain't he doing?" Bobby's voice came from the door. They didn't even notice him coming in as they argued.

"Bobby," Sam said immediately. "I have a way of recovering fast and Dean won't let me use it."

"That's a huge ass understatement." Dean snorted angrily. "What he means, Bobby, is that he wants to…  _overdose on something_  to let Lucifer bring him back completely healed. That's his grand,  _stupid_  plan."

Bobby's brow furrowed. "Sam, this ain't such a good idea. How can you know he'll-"

"Because he's done it before." Sam cut him off. "I'm  _sure_  he'll bring me back fine."

"Or he'll take advantage of the fact that you're putting yourself in his mercy." Bobby said, voice gone suddenly gruff. "No, son. We won't take risks like this. You're staying here and then we're going back to Sioux Falls. You'll take a break, do some research, we won't be wasting any time, you can be sure of that."

Dean sent their father figure a grateful look. "See?" he turned to Sam, who was sitting, sullen and defeated, in his bed. "None of that shit. I don't want to hear about it anymore." he said decisively.

Sam sighed in acquiescence and moved his gaze from the fingers of his unbroken hand which were twisting the sheet he was lying under, to Dean's eyes, staring at him penetratingly, but said nothing, leaning back against his pillows with a wince and closing his eyes, clearly tired. Dean closed his eyes as relief swept through him but he resolved to watch his brother closely in case he tried to do something stupid after all. He sagged in his chair, suddenly exhausted as the adrenaline that coursed through his veins at the thought of Sam hurt faded.

"Go to sleep, son." Bobby said quietly, as to not disturb Sam. "I'll watch him."

Dean relaxed, secure in the knowledge and slept.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then, this is the end! Thank you for reading, and special thanks to selenamasters95 - you're an absolute darling and for you this chapter was faster than I intended!

A few days later Sam was transferred to a regular room and during that transfer he went missing. Nobody noticed Dean leading him out to where Bobby was waiting with the Impala at the back of the building. Dean was the king of disguises, ha!

 

They made Sam as comfortable as they could in the backseat of the car and then made their way to Bobby's.

 

Sam was quiet the whole way and Bobby wasn't one for idle chit chat, so Dean picked a tape at random and let it play the whole time; anything but silence. When they finally arrived there was an awkward moment as Sam wanted to walk by himself, which his still recovering and weak body wasn't too happy with. Dean automatically moved to help him but Sam kind of flinched when he came near. Eventually though, he had to accept help. The whole way to the couch he was tense.

 

Generally Dean noticed that Sam was very different from his normal self. His reactions to Dean were always with the underlying note of distrust and hesitance, it was like Dean suddenly became a stranger. Sam just wouldn't relax when Dean was anywhere near and he pushed his body past the point of exhaustion and into the state in which only his will kept him going, pouring over book after book, source after source, until finally Bobby would make him get some rest, usually by informing him that he'll be completely useless if he pushes himself too hard. Sam always shot Dean this furtive looks on his way out, like he was trying to check Dean's reaction to him leaving for bed. He also wouldn't talk on his own and trying to start a conversation with him was like pulling teeth. Why, just finding him could be a feat in and off itself - for Dean. Sam had that annoying ability of finding himself the most remote spots where Dean would never think to look for him and sequestering himself there with a book on his bad days.

 

One day Dean came into the kitchen to get himself a beer. Sam abandoned the sandwich he was in the process of making (no doubt at Bobby's insistence) and ducked out of the room as fast as he was able to.

 

After a week Dean came to one conclusion that Sam was avoiding him. Still, he had no clue what to do with that knowledge.

 

Soon Sam was _almost_ all better and they found a clue about Pestilence and Dean was still nowhere with his 'Sam evaluations'. It was Bobby, who told them to work all the shit out before they went anywhere because the Horsemen were dangerous enough without their issues to further hinder them.

 

Actually, he said something along the lines of “You two idgits get your heads outta your behinds and back in the game or you ain't goin' nowhere.”

 

Sam pursed his lips, turning his head away as the older hunter rolled himself out of the living room. Five minutes passed in tense silence; Dean had no damn idea what to say and they stood there like two morons.

 

It was Sam who finally took pity on them saying “I promise I'm not going to be a nuisance, Dean, okay? I'm all healed and I swear I'm going to do what you say so can we just go?”

 

“What the hell are you talking about, man?” Dean uttered in total shock. He's had this conversation in his head like, a thousand times and _this_ never was a part of it. What nuisance? Sam wasn't a nuisance!

 

Sam snorted, frustrated. “You don't trust me. It's okay, I get that. But you have to understand that all I want is to stop the Apocalypse; it's all I ever wanted. I tried my way and it backfired, and I learned my lesson. I'll do what you say so don't worry about that, we can go.”

 

“That's, wow, that's not what I was expecting.” Dean said slowly. Sam said nothing. “Okay, uh. It's not that I don't- okay maybe I don't but-”

 

“Just forget it, Dean, I told you I get it. There's no going back, fine, I can work with that, I'll do my best. You don't have to say anything.”

 

“What do you mean 'no going back'?” for some reason that phrase didn't sit well with Dean. Maybe it was the dark tone in which Sam said it and the despondence in his face as he uttered it.

 

“You know what I mean!” Sam hissed angrily, then took a deeper breath to get his emotions under control. “You tried so hard to, to accept me after I let Lucifer out of his Cage. You don't even know how much that means to me after that voicemail. Now I guess you don't want to force yourself to do that anymore. I get it, we're back to that night. Although you did come for me when they took me. That threw me, honestly,” Sam babbled, fighting to not let his voice quiver, “because you said you were done with trying to save me-”

 

“ _When did I say that?!_ ” Dean erupted. It's been rising in him, a mix of irritation and utter lack of understanding (fuelling the annoyance further), the whole time since Sam's escape for the hospital and finally the dam broke because that thing, what the fuck even was that?! And, more importantly, where did Sam hear it and why was he believing in it?

 

“In the voicemail, Dean! In that fucking voicemail that haunts me every day and every night, okay?!” Sam's hands were trembling so he clenched them into fists.

 

“I never said that!”

 

“I can't fucking believe you forgot that!” Sam fought hard to not let it show how much this conversation was affecting him but Dean saw it and it pissed him right off that he didn't know what was going on to get Sam in such a state. “You called me a vampire and basically told me you'd kill me when you saw me next and you _forgot it just like that?!_ ”

Dean saw red. “ **I. never. said that!** And certainly not in any fucking voicemail! It's a load of bullshit anyway! I may not trust you but I wouldn't fucking kill you!”

 

“Oh no?!” Sam was screaming just as loud as Dean was. “Because I distinctly remember you saying you'd hunt me if you didn't know me! I figured when you basically disowned me I was fair game and you only let me live because I had to fix what I broke!” he winced with the next shallow breath he took but ploughed on anyway. “An' I know your temper so I'm doing my best to pull my own weight an' I _swear_ I'll follow your orders an' I never ever wan'ed to drink her fuckin' blood an'way 'cause it's disgustin' so-”

 

When Sam suddenly swayed and almost bent in half to pull air into his still weakened lungs Dean took advantage of the moment and pushed him onto Bobby's sofa, holding him there with a gentle, non-restricting hand on his chest as he struggled for breath, at the same time feeling light headed from what he just heard. It was almost too much to comprehend, the reality of what Sam's been thinking all this time while Dean was blissfully oblivious.

 

One thought was crystal clear in all the chaos that was his mind: this needed to be fixed.

 

“Sam,” he said catching his brother's eyes and looking right into them, seeing all the turmoil that was usually hidden so carefully and feeling his resolve strengthen. “Sam, you need to understand what I'm going to say now. You _have to_. Are you listening to me?”

 

Sam blinked.

 

“I would never, ever, so much as think about killing you. You're my family, my little brother, and as long as I live I'm always going to… to love you.” Sam's breath stilled. “I may not trust you-” Sam flinched under his hand so he hastened to continue. “I may not trust you _right now_ but there's nothing you could do that I wouldn't eventually forgive you for. I don't know what you heard in some voicemail but I can tell you it wasn't me. And I never _disowned_ you or any such crap. I may have been pissed at you but you'll always be my brother.”

 

He hoped it would work because honestly he had no idea what he'd do if Sam didn't believe him.

 

Sam breath was uneven from an entirely different reason now. His eyes shone with tears and his whole body trembled.

 

“D'you mean that?” he asked in a small voice.

 

“I do, Sammy. So no more of that crap about me killing you or you killing yourself.” Dean said gently but firmly.

 

Sam blinked back tears for a few minutes before he opened his mouth again. “I thought you hated me,” he said quietly. “I thought… I thought you din' want me to be your brother anymore. You told me to pick a hemisphere and I seriously thought about where to go, for a while. An' then you called me and I thought you were going to kill me but you said we should come together again and I was so happy that you were willing to give me a chance.”

 

Dean's heart broke for him. He had to fight to not let the tears that gathered in his eyes escape when Sam talked. The kid thought Dean had called him to kill him and he came anyway. He came anyway, to get slaughtered for all he knew, because Dean called him!

 

“But Heaven destroyed everything.” Sam continued, unaware of what his words were causing in Dean. “It was awful, you know?”

 

“What do you mean awful?” Dean surprised himself with how gravelly his voice came out. Sam jerked, startled and blinked at him with those soulful eyes of his.

 

“Because… it was like everything there only pretended to be happy. Each of those memories was _nice_ but deep down they actually hurt. Mine, yours… all; not to mention Zachariah's manipulations. Except the Garden…” he added with a note of nostalgia. “That trip was the only truly, fully happy memory I saw in Heaven.” he paused, thinking about something. “Maybe it's because I'm tainted? Do you think Heaven can be passive aggressive, like, by its nature?”

 

“Sammy…” Dean could only say. _Manipulation_ rang in his head, together with Bobby's _Heaven is the angels' domain_. It made sense. Why, oh why couldn't he have seen it earlier!?

 

“I think it was trying to show me I was not wanted there and you got hit by proxy.” he sighed sadly. “No wonder you were sick of me enough to throw the amulet away…”

 

“No, that was a dick thing I shouldn't have ever done.” Dean told him, still reeling from his discovery. He'll have to consult it with Cas. For now Sam was his priority. “I wish like hell I hadn't…” he admitted. The lack of the amulet's weight on his chest was like an itch he could never quite forget about, no matter how hard he tried to ignore it.

 

“It's okay, Dean.” Sam's huge, warm hand landed on Dean's arm comfortingly. “You were angry because I failed you again. Honestly I was surprised you didn't do something like that earlier.” the younger hunter said gently offering forgiveness just like that, like Dean hadn't probably broken his heart into pieces when he let that charm go into the trash can. It only made Dean feel worse.

 

“It's not okay, Sam. And this time you didn't actually do anything wrong, it was not your fault, you hear me? Doesn't mean I wouldn't like to forget Heaven happened as soon as possible so let's not talk about it anymore.” Dean sighed and Sam nodded in acquiescence, grimacing. “We good?”

 

“I'm still expecting to wake up but… yeah, I think we're good.” A small smile accompanied those words and Dean suddenly didn't feel as hopeless as he's been feeling since they came back from upstairs. He patted Sam's arm ( _lightly_ because broken bones and fragile brothers) and grinned.

 

The situation was not completely fixed, far from it, actually, but it was a start and Dean hoped, and Sam as well, judging from the dazed, happy look on his face, that it would get better with time. Dean, for one, had no intention to let it ever get as bad as this, ever again.

 

“Okay then, lets go gank ourselves a Horseman!”

 


End file.
